A Big Blur

First off I wanted to say that I am so thankful for all the support we have received. It has been just what we needed. Thank all of you for kindness. Some have called, others sent cards, others messages, others flowers, etc... All have been helpful. Both Janalynn and I have felt such support from all of you.

I was going to have a separate post for both the viewing and the funeral, but its all hazy now. I will follow this piece with some pics from the events sometime soon. Right now I thought I should put down how I feel before it gets blurrier.

Part of the reason I have wanted to stay on top of all this was because I didn't do any of this during my own dad's death. Perhaps I was too close to it, or I just was too stressed out, or whatever the reason I didn't do it, but I wish I would have.

I have always gotten along well with Bonnie and was honored to say the family prayer at the funeral today. For a moment I thought perhaps it should be someone else, but then I thought who? I realized I wanted to participate in some way and this was a nice way to do it. I also read a letter from Pres. Monson to the family. It was heartfelt and personal and was a nice addition to the service. (I plan on posting a copy of the letter at some point)

Back to Bonnie. During the past year when it was so troubling and tough for her, I kept my eye out for her. I felt like another brother, I guess I kind of am. I would call and check on her and we would talk about things. I tried not to push her one way or another, just counsel her to do what she felt was right and what would bring her happiness. We had a mutual respect for one another.

I have to admit I am still having a hard time believing she is gone. I really am. It is weird to think of life without her. But that is what will happen tomorrow. Now that the funeral is over we will get back to our lives and they will be minus her. That is the hard thing about death--it is not that you don't know that the person is in a good place--it is that it is final. There is a finality to death, there won't be another conversation or photo or any sort of event with them--unfortunately your last time was already passed, it is over, finished, done. That is the hard thing.

Notes and Observations:
Our Natalie is a compassionate soul. When Janalynn received the call last Saturday, Natalie cried and cried with her and wanted to be with her. She has been so attune to everyone's feelings. Today I watched her comfort Lindsay--who had her head down--Natalie went over to her, smiled, and then hugged her. This is how she has been all week.

Janalynn gave a great talk, I was impressed with it. She was poignant and self revealing. She gave everyone a view into their relationship, showing just how selfless Bonnie was.

The viewing, my dad's included, is more of a happy time than not. You get to see a lot of people you haven't in a while, you get to meet people you have always heard about. Frankly, I think they are nice.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, mourn, or in other words be sad. Some people are emotional and cry a lot, others more stoic. Everyone needs to do what works for them and those of us around need to be there for support. I guess if we carried on and got depressed that wouldn't be good. Certainly our loved ones would be flattered with our deep sadness but they wouldn't want it to overtake and derail our lives. They would want us to live.

We need to tell others more often how deeply we feel for them. Imagine if we had an event where everyone could come and honor the living. How could we fail? It is too bad that usually our most fervent eulogies are given after one has died.

Pres. Taggart, a long time family friend and home teacher, finished his speech by saying that it is now our duty to help console others who lose loved ones. I thought that was a nice thought.

No one who told a story today told it as well as Bonnie would have. And that is the truth.

Finally this last week flew by. Emotionally it was tough to get through. Physically we all lost sleep and didn't eat properly. Mentally there were moments of anguish. It has been blurry. Yet we have felt such a peaceful feeling. That is the sweet peace of our Savior's love. This weekend we will remember his triumph over death making it possible for all of us to be resurrected and to repent. In times of trial we can turn to Him, the Holy Messiah, the Lamb of God, the Savior of the world, the Prince of Peace. He will give us comfort.

Bonnie we will miss you, but forever I will hear that infectious and undeniable laughter in my head when I think about you.