(Note: this turned into something I didn't plan on. some is more personal than I originally meant for so realize none of this is for sympathy, but it is my blog so I am going with it)
I would be remiss without a thought about my dad. The sting of his death has passed. I don't get emotional talking or thinking about it as much as I did before. Don't get me wrong the void is there, but the pain and emotion of his passing are gone. That being said a day like today is weird for me. I don't feel bad about it, not at all, and like I mentioned the sting is absent, but there is something missing. Like a completed puzzle with that one piece missing. You have searched all over yet it is still missing and no matter how you look at the puzzle all you seem to see is the missing space.
There are things I really miss. Right now we would be gearing up for the draft and Jazz offseason. Not sure if he would be defending AK or Boozer, but he would be nicer about that most. We would surely have talked about the US Open and my recent entrance into the golf world. I had a history class the last two weeks in which for sure I would have told him about and argued about many of the president's places in history. We would certainly argue about what is currently going on in the world and country. I wonder if part of the reason I tend to be conservative is out of respect for him. I know recently I have shifted to be more moderate and that may very well be due to the fact that I don't get to hear his reasoned and sound arguments as opposed to the current crap of foxnews or what rush puts out. I remain unaffiliated partly cause I think the party thing is stupid(too many people vote party over character and remain stuck on issues that won't matter) and partly cause out of respect for him I can't go too far left. Needless to say that I imagine we would have had a few lively discussions over the past year. But one thing I will say and that's my dad had good reasons for his convictions. I don't agree with all of them, but I respect and understand why he felt the way he did.
I am sure I would have introduced him to my new fave comedy, the Big Bang Theory, and would love to hear him lose it with his laughter at the show. We would have watched Forever Strong and both missed our time on the island. We would have watched the Sugar Bowl together and he would admit the greatness of the U and that Coach Whit has really become a good coach.
We would have talked about global warming and going green. This would have been a fun topic to banter about. In the end I know he would agree that regardless of his own opinion on global warming, pollution is a really bad thing and we need to fix the way we think about pollution. We would have argued about the war and what to do to fix the economy. Not sure how the economy chatter would go, no one can be happy with the way things have gone.
Alas none of these conversations happened. I have imagined them at times as I miss the chance to have them. To this day I don't know what to do at the end of a Jazz game. I know he's not gonna call, yet I can't help but think about it. There are definitely things I miss and have come to understand that are partly irreplaceable.
Despite my thoughts about my own father, being a father is where the evolution of this day occurs. All morning Porter wanted to open my gifts, he was more excited than I was. Natalie prayed that this was the best father's day I have ever had. Janalynn had a gift for each kid to give me(something I am not as good at) Kelsey made sure I got my piece of pie first(you have no idea how big a deal it was that she didn't serve herself first), and Kailey gave me a hug first thing in the morning. So while I miss my dad on this day, I get to be father for my kids.
As I evaluate and contemplate my performance I realize that I am lacking in many areas. Sometimes I am quick to raise my voice, other times I am annoyed easy, and other times I forget the example I need to set. There have been many nights I haven't liked the my conversation with the person in the mirror. My family will be the first to tell you of my shortcomings. It is on a day like today that I recognize the importance of fathers and their influences. I have desires to be better in all areas, I just hope that I act on that. Many times I know I am being less than my best self, but it doesn't always stop me. I will say that teenagers are hard to deal with, they can really bring out my worst self. I have to remember that the stupid fairy took their brain before I respond to them. It is a personal revolution to change and evolve into that person I want to be. Sometimes I think I could get there if I didn't have teenagers, but then again, that is part of the process.
Father's day is an evolution. It's not what it once was. I will always have my dad in the back of my head, but likewise it is the present that is most important. I need to live father's day instead of replaying it. And hopefully I can evolve into the father I want to be, the father my kids need me to be.
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