I know I haven't been very diligent in writing on the blog. That has been partly due to the fact that I have been overwise preoccupied with my father's passing. Today is his birthday, tomorrow the one year mark.
When people would say to me statements such as, "Not a day passes I don't think about (whoever)" I never really believed them. That is until now. I believe that not a day has passed that in some way something hasn't made me remember him. I'm not as sad as I used to be, although there are times I feel it more than other days. I have to admit there are somethings that we used to discuss that I have no one to discuss them with. I have relied more on certain friends but at times I feel that I have burdened them by calling them too much. There is definitely a void there, always will be.
I am at the point where I know I don't have the immediacy that we had. I think of things and think about what my dad would say and whether I would agree or disagree with it. He would have been real happy with the Jazz season last year of that I am certain. We both believed that Boozer and Williams would be stars at some point. He would have an opinion on the Presidential race, I am sure we would disagree here; the Mountain Meadows Massacre--an opinion I know and most people would be surprised to know what it is; an opinion on the Utes and the Cougars--I know he would be happy for the Utes against UCLA and upset at the Y for Tulsa, he would have a take on Notre Dame football; My trip to Boston and walking on what I am certain he would consider hallowed ground; David Locke, Kevin Graham, and John Lund's return to local radio; the recent failings of the military in Iraq(I am speaking about the Iraqi's irritation with our soldiers being there and the many setbacks this has caused.)there is an endless amount of topics of which he would have and opinion on. And mostly I miss my chance to hear it.
He always was cheerful and my kids loved him. Even though Porter is unsure exactly how things work and what death really means he talks about his grandpa's passing and expresses his own sorrow in not seeing him anymore.
I know my dad was not perfect and there are aspects of his life that I would never emulate. I am still haunted by the sadness and utter lonliness he must have felt in trying to keep some things from being known. The sad state of his affairs cannot go unnoticed, they are just that; sad and troubling. We all have areas of our lives that we wouldn't want anyone to see. We emulate the good in others and do our best not to repeat their mistakes.
Its hard to believe its been a year. In some respects it seems much longer, in other respects memories are vivid, as if last week. We honor those who have passed in how we choose to live. My father was kind and compassionate, well studied and versed in history, politics, and religion. He had a high pitched frenzied sort of laugh that was infectious. Not a day passes I don't in some way think about him. What will my contribution to the world be? How will I be remembered? This is a nice time to reflect and make changes to build on my strengths, diminish my weaknesses and be the best person I can be. And to that end I can live in good conscience and live up to the commandment to honor my father.
4 comments:
Jared-
I read your blog about Dad, thank you for sharing. I can not believe it has been a year. An then again Some times I feel like I am back in the hospital room holding his hand. I just want you to know I send my love to you. Make sure you are gentle with your self in your thoughts. I love you. Love- Julie
I have a meditation on Grief
Grief is one of the heart's natural responses to loss. When we grieve we allow ourselves to feel the truth of our pain, the measure of betrayal or tragedy in our life. By our willingness to mourn , we slowly acknowledge, integrate, and accept the truth of out losses. Sometimes the best way to let go is to grieve.
It takes courage to grieve, to honor the pain we carry. We can grieve in tears or in meditative silence, in prayer or in song. I touching the pain of recent and long-held griefs, we come face to face with our genuine human vulnerability, with helplessness and hopelessness. These are the storm clouds of the heart.
Most traditional societies offer ritual and communal support to help people move through grief and loss. We need to respect our tears. Without a wise way to grieve, we can only soldier on, armored and unfeeling, but our hearts cannot learn and grow from the sorrows of the past.
To meditate on grief, let yourself sit, alone or with a comforting friend. Take the time to create an atmosphere of support. When you are ready, begin by sensing your breath. Feel your breathing in area of your chest. This can help you become present to what is within you. Take one hand and hold it gently on your heart as if you were holding a vulnerable human being. You are.
As you continue to breathe, bring to mind the loss or pain you are grieving. Let the story, the images, the feelings come naturally. Hold them gently. Take your time. Let the feelings come layer. a little at a time. Keep breathing softly, compassionately. Let whatever feelings are there, pain and tears, anger and love, fear and sorrow, come as they will. Touch the gently. Let them unravel out of your body and mind. Make space for any images that arise. Allow the whole story. Breathe and hold it all with tenderness and compassion. Kindness of it all, for you and for others.
The grief we carry is part of the grief of the world. Hold it gently. Let it be honored. You do not have to keep it in anymore. You can let go into the heart of compassion; you can weep.
Releasing the grief we carry is a long, tear-filled process. Yet it follows the natural intelligence of the body and heart. Trust it, trust the unfolding. Along with meditation, some of your grief will want to written, to be cried out, to be sung, to be danced. Let the timeless wisdom within you carry you through grief to an open heart.
-Jack Kornfield
Thanks for the email. I think of you in the same way. I hope things get easier, but I know how hard it must be.
Dear Jared,
I often think of your father and smile because he is such a great man. I always loved having him at my parents house for family home evening. I could always talk to him about sports and he always had an opinion. I remember his spirituality and the wonderful times I had listening to his lessons. He spoke of his mission always and I was always so grateful for that.
I am grateful for our friendship and pray that you will continue to call me and to talk to me about sports and life. Thank you for being a great person and a great friend.
Dear Jared,
The best way that you can honor the memory of your dear dad, is to continue to be like him in all the ways you admired him. I think that he is extremely proud of you and continues to find joy in all that you do. You are a super person and our family sure does love you! We appreciate all that you do for your own family (Janalynn and kids) and for the support you give the rest of us.
We think of you as a son.
Love Janet and Reed
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