Lose the Battle, Save the Marriage

Hanging out your dirty laundry for all to see takes guts, craziness, and maybe inspiration. I have heard many talks and lessons on marriage, some secular, some religious, some with wisdom, some fraught with terrible advice. At the adult session of stake conference I heard the most inspiring talk I have ever heard on marriage. There were actually two; husband and wife. To impress upon you how much I thought of their talk I went up after the meeting was over, I have never seen or met these people before, and told them how great their message was and then I did something I have never done before.
I asked for a copy of their talks.

I have heard great messages that have inspired me to do better, but never have I asked for a copy of someone's talk. The husband replied that the Stake President had asked them to give him a copy and others had already asked as well.

I hope that puts this into perspective.

I can almost guarantee that everyone who attended if asked about this meeting will reference this couple's talks before mentioning that two members of the stake presidency spoke as well. They did fine, but this couple did something I have never seen pulled off before.

So why all the hoopla? This couple exposed their weaknesses and probably most fragile moments in their lives and especially their marriage. The wife said this was the lowest point in her life and she actually wished she could disappear, that she never existed. They spoke of a time when they were ready to call it quits, when they couldn't communicate without fighting or arguing and both were fed up with the other. They exposed these raw emotions for everyone to see.

Here is why it worked: All of us have tough times. All of us have those moments when we think how would things be if the other was gone. Now the difference is how long do we entertain that thought? That is the tricky part. We get our feelings hurt and then we get spiteful, we lash back and pretty soon we are doing the very thing we have accused of the other. So after exposing this time when both were ready to bolt the marriage an interesting thing happened.

Now this is interesting for a few reasons, one of them is that the concepts from the book I just read that I posted about Leadership and Self Deception and the one I am currently reading The Anatomy of Peace were employed. In both cases the husband and wife looked at themselves and realized that they were causing the problems. They both fixed themselves and in so doing it fixed each other. They prayed for guidance and followed the promptings. First the husband came to terms with himself and made changes, then the wife at first skeptical of his change in behavior, then looked inside and realized her own problems, then fixed herself. In so doing they fixed their marriage.

I found this amazingly inspirational. Here were two people at the end of the rope, yet they made it work, they fixed the problems, which was themselves and then things got better. The wife gave us their theme, which happens to be the title, Lose the Battle, Save the Marriage. Whatta concept! I can't tell you how many times I won't back down cause I have to prove I am right, which causes friction, hurt feelings, etc... I know I am acting stupid, yet at times I fall victim to this trap, and it is my fault.

We can only change ourselves. Sure we would love to change others yet only by changing ourselves do we make this possible. Again I would recommend Leadership and Self Deception for this reason it will make you better which will in turn make others better.

I was so impressed with this couple, they brought hope to all of us. They showed that even at that moment of complete despair, where it seems like nothing will improve, it can and will, with inspiration and self change. I guess the real hopeful thing is that we do have control over ourselves(hopefully). We can change how we act. So if the problems are self inflicted, then so is the solution. I have never seen anyone expose their lives quite like this couple did, yet they did so in a way that made you want to do better.