If you are caught up on the blog you know that I have been reading about how the root of our problems is ourselves. I have also mentioned that my teenage daughter Kelsey is very hard to deal with. So I decided enough preaching now it is time for me to do.
Sat night Kelsey went to friend's house of which we didn't know the parents or the girl for that matter. Of course she claimed that she had been friends with this girl 'forever'. Typical teenage hyperbolic drama. We let her go despite obvious misgivings, mainly because she was getting a ride home. Now I made a couple mistakes here, first of all I should have asked where this girl lived. Duh! Secondly I should have made sure she was really getting a ride home.
You can already guess what is going to happen. At 9:15(Kelsey was supposed to be home at 9:30--I thought she was going to ask for a time extension) she called and asked for a ride home. So right at this moment I could have given her a lecture and done what I always do that usually provokes a fight. This time I resisted the urge, I simply said, "I thought you were getting a ride home?" She replied that she thought she was going to get one as well. I then told her without any anger or sarcasm that the only reason we let her go was because she was going to get a ride home. She understood and felt bad.
Normally I would be furious, I would be lecturing her and provoking her. This time I wasn't really mad, I felt used, but since I am a parent I usually feel used so this was nothing new. She didn't really know where she was, now I have to admit that made me get a little hot. But she managed to give me directions. I reiterated the fact that I wasn't particularly happy about picking her up and that she needed to know that there would be consequences--but without yelling or in a nasty tone--she said she was sorry and I could actually feel her sorrow(that usually doesn't happen).
When I picked her up, the first thing she did was hand me her phone. Normally when I have to take it away we fight for about 10 to 15 minutes. We didn't say much on the way home until we pulled up our street. She thanked me for picking her up and again said that she didn't plan for disaster that she thought things would go differently. I accepted the plea and told her to avoid her mother(she was not in the mood). Then Kelsey said something she usually doesn't she asked how she could smooth things over with mom. I told her to let her sleep(that is my usual method-it works 90% of the time) and we could take care of it in the morning.
Now if that was the end of the story it would only be moderately successful. Sure for the one night things were good, but it was only one night. I am going to be candid here, Kelsey and I don't converse much, she usually wants something when we talk and I don't want to deal with her. We usually just fight. So instead we just don't talk. When I say talk I mean really talk, having a conversation, like I do with every other person in the world, except her.
I bought some plants for the garden and was watering them the next morning and was examining the garden when she came out. She asked what the plants were so I told her. She asked how the dripline worked so I showed her. We talked like I do with everyone else. There were no sarcastic remarks, no hint of trouble brewing. I can't tell you the last time we have done this. I pulled a couple of weeds and she asked if she could pull up some dandelions. I told her to go for it. She grabbed a bag and went to work.
I am still in a state of shock. I feel like things can work out, that despite her selfishness and teenage drama queen act that we can get along and not have to fight and argue every time. All this time I blamed her for our troubles, her immaturity, and yet it was really me who provoked this behavior. I became the problem. As soon as I fixed myself then she fixed herself.
If you would have told me a few weeks ago that our relationship was my fault I would have laughed you out of the room. I would have pointed out all her faults and explained how I was handling the situation. I know differently now. I also know that I can fix any problem by taking care of me. I can't tell you how much easier everyone is to live with now.
4 comments:
This is so cool, Jared. I am going to read that book as soon as Greg is done. There is nothing like seeing that the theory really works when you put it into practice. It's got to feel empowering.
I read half of this book on the airplane. To be honest, it started like every other self-help book, but it was in story form with lots of examples, so it held my attention. But then I got to the point where I realized that I was doing the same things they were talking about -- ignoring the needs of others and justifying my actions to make me feel better.
Thanks for lending me this -- very inspirational. And it's great to see that you're using this attitude with success already.
Awesome Jared you and Kelsey really did some great knocking down the wall thing. Mom
What a great example of awesome parenting skills! Thanks for your example. My kids are so much younger, but the point was that you changed YOU, not them. We can all learn from that...
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